Sep
18
2009
Typical.
PLOT
A girl secretly meets her boyfriend and they talk about how they’re getting married when she turns 18. She tells her father about it and he kills her a few minutes later, declaring that he doesn’t want the darkness to get her. The movie then switches to Molly Hartley, who is 17 and attending a new school. Her psychotic mother stabbed her with scissors and she and her father are trying to put their lives back together while her mom is locked up. She makes friends with another student and even gets a quasai boyfriend Joseph. She starts seeing weird things and hearing things, which makes her think that she’s psychotic like her mom. Slowly she realizes that there is something else going on and it’s all connected to her mom.
TRIVIA
Several of the actors appear on CW shows, with two actresses playing friends on “Beverly Hills 90210”.
THOUGHTS
I can’t believe I sat through this movie, nor can I believe that a friend who borrowed it thought it was “pretty cool”. I thought it was fairly lame and that’s being polite. About the only thing I liked in the movie was the end because it featured the bad buy winning, which unfortunately we don’t see happen a lot. Other than that, I can’t say a whole lot of good things about the movie. The Haunting of Molly Hartley had the feel of a straight to DVD movie, but had a theatrical release.
Jan
24
2009
Very familiar…
PLOT
St. Mark’s is the kind of school that your parents always threatened to send you when you acted up as a teenager. A group of troublemaking young girls are sent there where the teachers are led by a priest played by Ron Perlman (how the hell did Hellboy ever end up here?), not to mention a mean headmistress who idolizes the father. Not long after arriving, the girls learn that they all have special “gifts” that are unique to them such as telekinesis. There’s also something about how all the girls are virgins, but that’s a little hard to believe.
TRIVIA
Part of the Cutting Edge Films line of movies.
THOUGHTS
I wasn’t expecting a whole lot from this movie, which might be why it ended up not being so bad. I picked it up quite awhile ago, right after Halloween when Wal-Mart tossed a bunch of their overstock horror movies into the $5 bin. I had tried a couple of the other Cutting Edge movies so I didn’t think it would be very good.
I’m not saying that 5ive Girls is the best horror movie in the world, but it really wasn’t that bad. Perlman gets top billing, but he actually kind of disappears after the 30 minute mark. Then it turns to the girls to lead the movie and they actually do a pretty good job. They’re better than a lot of other actors turning up in horror movies lately.
Dec
27
2008
Wowza, lots and lots o’ lesbians.
PLOT
Paul is an author, writing for an S&M magazine (wow, how do I get that job?) when he stumbles across a prostitute and invites her back to his place. He learns that she’s been to several black masses with her johns and decides to let her know that he’s a former priest. Apparently he was kicked out when he wouldn’t shut up about black masses. He decides to hunt down the people performing those rituals and make them pay.
TRIVIA
There’s also a very graphic all sex version of this movie out there. Considering the amount of sex in this version, I wonder how much they really changed!
THOUGHTS
I really wish I could say something smart or witty about this movie, but I really don’t think I “got” it. There was a lot of sex, I mean a lot of sex, even for a 1970s movie. I think I saw more completely naked women in 90 minutes here than I have in my entire life…and I watch a lot of horror movies. My momma always told me to be polite so I’ll just say that I didn’t like this movie and I couldn’t get into it.
Dec
04
2008
What I won’t do for Bruce Campbell…
THE PLOT
Heather is a troublemaker and her parents just can’t handle it anymore so they send her off to a school for troubled girls. Ms. Traverse makes a point of telling the girl that her parents can’t afford the tuition, but she’ll find a spot for her. Then she has to face the teasing and cruelty of the popular girls, which sends her right into the arms of the outcasts. She starts having nightmares and realizes that there’s a coven of witches at the school. When her new friends start disappearing, she realizes that she might be the next.
FUN TRIVIA
The film was released in 2006, but was actually finished in 2003/2004 and sat until the studio decided to release it.
THOUGHTS/OPINIONS
Witches and movies about teen witches are nothing new. The Craft seems to have a handle on what works and what doesn’t work so maybe the people involved with this movie should have checked out that one first. There’s some great actors in this movie like Bruce Campbell playing Heather’s father and Patricia Clarkson as the dean of the school. When you’re watching it though you can’t help but wonder how they ended up in this movie.
The film moved far too slowly for my liking, taking its good old sweet time to build up to something and once it did I ended up feeling really disappointed. By the time the ending finally came, I was just happy that I didn’t have to sit through it any longer.
Oct
18
2008
Watch where you stay…
THE PLOT
Nan is a young college student writing a paper on witchcraft and the witches who were burned at the stake. She travels to a small inn to do some more research and experiences some strange things like time going too fast. When she disappears, another young woman she once befriended goes to Nan’s professor to ask about her. Patricia’s grandfather lives in the town, but she has no idea of what her neighbors are doing. Patricia, the professor and Nan’s fiancé work together to find out the truth about what happened to the young woman.
FUN TRIVIA
Christopher Lee already had a handful of horror movie credits under his name when he starred here as the professor and would later go on to play in several other horror movies.
THOUGHTS/OPINIONS
This is a movie that most people will see once and forget or disregard. I myself found that I actually did enjoy this movie. The ending is more than a little lame, especially with the man raising the cross while clearly dying. There’s also that very sexist attitude that people had during the 1960s, such as one character suggesting a female is simply hysterical and not to be believed. Yet it has a very charming quality that you don’t often find in horror movies.
Oct
15
2008
It’s just a game.
THE PLOT
Jake Gray is a regular college student, complete with a crush on his unattainable friend Dakota. While she’s more than willing to sleep with him when she wants, she holds him at arm’s length when it comes to a relationship. After a professor tells her about a game called The Pathway she gets Jake involved. At first he has trouble sleeping, but then he realizes that he’s daydreaming a lot and not sure what’s real and what’s a dream. He also meets a young woman named Marisol, but he’s not even sure if she actually exists. Slowly his friends begin to die and Jake knows it’s somehow connected to the game, but he has to figure out how and why.
FUN TRIVIA
Jensen Ackles finished filming on this movie not long before his started his role as Dean Winchester on “Supernatural”.
THOUGHTS/OPINIONS
Honestly this movie was absolutely dreadful. A group of us tried to watch it and it was so confusing and bad that we couldn’t even come up with any appropriate jokes. Apparently the movie went through some heavy rewrites because people were worried that it was too similar to Stay Alive. That seems a little strange considering this movie went right to DVD while the other had a theatrical release.
There’s something very offputting about this movie that I can’t put my finger on. It’s not disturbing, it’s just bad. This has to be one of the few movies that I can’t find something redeeming to say about it. It wasn’t even worth the rental and I like Jensen Ackles.
Sep
25
2008
Oh my god, I want my 60 minutes back!
THE PLOT
I could give you the plot, but I honestly have no clue what happened. There were two guys who found themselves in a hospital of some sort and one got bit. Then a group of people showed up and killed the one guy because he was infected and carried off the other guy. Then there was something about a witch in the woods and Lance Henriksen (who looks like he’s lost way too much weight) pops up and Danny Trejo’s in there too.
TRIVIA
Follows the Christian Slater movie Alone in the Dark, which was based on a video game.
THOUGHTS/OPINIONS
Sometimes I think my brain stops working. That’s the only reason why I can explain sitting through a piece of garbage like Alone in the Dark 2. It’s a sequel to a movie I already own, but it wasn’t until halfway through the movie that I realized I was confusing another straight to video Christian Slater movie with Alone in the Dark. The other one was that serial killer one with Val Kilmer and the FBI and I’m pretty sure LL Cool J was in it, but I digress.
Alone in the Dark 2 is absolutely terrible. The hot Asian guy from Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift was in it and I couldn’t pay attention. Lance Henriksen (god do I ever love that guy) from “Millennium” (loved that show too!) was in it and I still couldn’t pay attention. I ended up fast forwarding through large chunks of the movie and then I finally gave up.
Yes, you read that right, the Horror Queen gave up. With 20 minutes left in the movie, I calmly turned it off and came right here to write my review. I just couldn’t sit through the horrible acting, bad special effects and plot holes any longer. Oddly enough I then read that the movie isn’t supposed to be released until 2009 so I’m going to just pretend I didn’t see it. Poor Lance Henriksen, he probably wishes he had never seen the script. Instead of posting a picture of the movie, I almost posted a picture of Christian Slater back when he was hot. Oh well, at least he had the sense to stay away from this piece of crap…
