Horror Queen

PLOT

Danielle moves into an old house and almost immediately things start going wrong. It turns out that after a particularly bad breakup with a guy that lives on a boat, she had an “episode” though it’s more like a psychotic break. Now she’s on meds and when she notices things moving in her new house, everyone thinks she’s just having another one of her zany moments. She starts filming herself while she’s sleeping and sees firsthand what her dreams look like. After her sister confronts her, they decide to research the house and discover that a magician lived there years ago. He mesmerized another man, buried him alive and was eventually sent to prison for it. Danielle keeps seeing things that aren’t there and decides the perfect thing to do is set up her Master’s thesis around the fear of things that go bump in the night. Oh and she starts experiencing blackouts where she does crazy things…like eat seven tins of cat food.

TRIVIA

This move was so low budget that the director actually used his own home for the set of the movie. All of the scenes that took place inside a house were actually shot in his own home.

THOUGHTS

The Chair was far from the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but not exactly the best either. The girl playing Danielle looks like a porn star so when she has to do things like mimic being raped in bed by an unknown attacker or having an orgasm, she does great. When she has to play the part of an anguished grad school student or a girl that truly fears for her life, she fails miserably. She looks perpetually confused for a good portion of the movie. I know casting smaller budgeted horror movies can’t be easy, but it has to be easier than this. Her IMDB page is pretty small, which probably means she did a lot of stuff that isn’t show because it’s porn.

I also have to say that damn there’s a lot of shit on the internet about her house. She basically googles her address and finds video from the magician, pictures and even step by step details on how to build her own mesmerizing chair just like he did.

If you’re willing to ignore all the stuff that doesn’t make sense, The Chair wasn’t a horrible movie. When Danielle finally goes crazy, it somehow seems to work. She actually looks pretty damn scary and somehow I wouldn’t jump up and down when she suggested I climb in her new chair and give it a whirl. I would however run screaming for my life.

THE PLOT

A group of teenage (yeah right) cheerleaders leave their small town to travel to the “big city” for a competition. Along the way their bus breaks down and then they’re all run over when the bus veers out of control. The rest of the movie takes place in a mortuary that doubles as the coroner’s office where bodies are sold to the local dog food processing plant. It really just gets worse from there, especially when it turns out one of the victims is still alive.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

This is the worst group of cheerleaders I’ve seen in my life and I went to a small country school with less than 300 students! Not to mention the fact that there’s only five girls and they are completely incompetent. Then again, I doubt many people are watching it for this fact.

Now, onto the special effects and by special, I mean in the way your mom tell you you’re special. This is one of those movies where they quickly switch the camera from a person to another spot and then come back to show a dummy on the ground. Or in one case they actually showed a close up of a dummy and expected us to believe it’s a real person. I’m not even going to comment on the scene where they opened up one cheerleader to reveal she was pregnant with twins nor will I comment on the “organ” transplant scene.

Somehow I made it to the end of this movie, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Yes I did laugh a few times, but a couple of chuckles over 80+ minutes is nothing. Even if someone offers you the chance to see this for free, just say no.

THE PLOT

Ash is accidentally sent back in time, but thankfully he has his trusty chainsaw and car along with him. He’s taken hostage, but finds the Necrenominon a book that can transport him back to his own time. Unfortunately he reads the words wrong and unleashes the dead along with his doppelganger Evil Ash. Now he has to use the few tools he has along with his own smarts to save the people in town and get home.

FUN TRIVIA

Bridget Fonda plays Linda, the love of Ash’s life. Fonda was a fan of the previous two movies and agreed to cameo in the role, even if it meant she’d have no lines.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

A lighthearted romp that shouldn’t be taken seriously. Campbell is at his best when playing the smarmy guy that can’t do a whole lot right and that’s what Ash is all about. Also look for the always great Ted Rami who pops up several times throughout the movie.

If you get the chance, pick up the Bruce Campbell vs. Army of Darkness DVD. It includes the original movie, the director’s cut and the original, more darker ending to the movie. You can’t really go wrong with this one.

PLOT

A group of pseudo-teenagers or at least older people playing teens, go to a real haunted house to stage a séance. Every stereotype you can think of is represented from the lesbian couple to the geeky film lovers to the token black guy. After faking one death to scare their friends, the teens realize that a real murderer is in their mist.

THE BAD

Notice how I didn’t use a Good section on here? Yeah, there’s a reason for that.

The description I read of this movie claimed that the film is actually a parody of a horror movie, but I don’t believe that’s true. I think the movie was made as a low budget horror film and marketed as a parody simply because it was so ridiculous.

The movie is set in the 1980s or so it would seem given the one reference to Michael J. Fox and the characters’ clothing. You get the Madonna wannabes (several actually), the guy that’s dressed like a leftover from “That 70s Show” and of course the black man in the Michael Jackson zippered coat. Oh and don’t forget the one preppy guy in his little alligator shirt.

Once you get passed the clothing and acting though, there’s nothing funny or scary about this movie; it’s just bad. I realize it was made for very little money, but I think my friends and I could make a better movie with my camera phone. It feels like the movie was thrown together very quickly and mainly made on the fly and that just doesn’t fly in my book.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Avoid this movie at all costs. I tried really hard to get through it, but before it was even halfway over I was already nodding off. It’s humorous to make fun of the movie for a little while, but that starts to get boring. I found myself fast forwarding through large portions of the movie, which is something I never do. Now I know why I was able to see it for free, because no one else would pay for it.

THE PLOT

Jim’s an average guy that works in car rental agency. A man wanders in off the street and he and his fellow employees ignore the man until he drops dead in front of them and then comes back to life. Turns out an infection that turns people into zombies is infecting everyone in Louisville, Kentucky. The trio hookup with another woman after killing her zombie family and later find another group of people wandering the city. They’re even joined by Jim’s ex-girlfriend and fellow mental institution inmate Vex.

FUN TRIVIA

I actually had a brief cameo in this movie. Look for me…no, I’m just messing with you. Actually I couldn’t find any trivia or fun fact about this movie.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

I loved getting the chance to see Louisville up close and personal on film. I previously lived right across the river in nearby Clarskville, Indiana so seeing my adopted hometown on film is a great treat. It’s probably a good idea no one was around when I watched it considering that I kept talking to myself and pointout out places I knew. I even saw the old part of town where I once saw a group of prostitutes getting arrested. There’s also a great scene where one character screams at another about the proper pronunciation of Louisville, that’s a great little in-joke for those that have lived there.

There’s some great humor in this movie such as when the main female character tells the guy that she wants to cuddle with him, not because she’s interested but because he’s the lesser of two evils. He makes a joke about being the last man on earth and she replies with a flippant, “god I hope not!”. Or when the religious fanatic thinks she can hold back the zombies with her faith in god, right before she’s eaten alive.

Tucky Williams who plays Vex and Jason Crowe as Jim are the two people to watch in this movie. Williams is lots of blond hair and curvy in a way that mainstream actresses aren’t allowed to be. I’m a heterosexual woman, but I have to say she looks great. Crowe’s the lead character here and while he tends to be annoying at times, he’s also very likable.

The constant talking to the camera does get a bit annoying at times, especially when it happens again and again. At times I wanted to slap Jim upside the head and tell him to shut up. Then there’s the makeup, which is seriously lacking. During crowd scenes you could pick out the zombies without any makeup on and even those that did ended up with mainly all white or all yellow faces.

This isn’t a movie that’s meant to be taken seriously, but something you can enjoy. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go. I need to track down the writer/director Mark E. Poole and hang out with him for awhile…

Sex can be a killer.

THE PLOT

Dawn O’Keefe has a strange affliction that no one else knows: her vagina is surrounded by a set of chomping teeth. Since she’s a diehard Christian with no plays to have sex before marriage though, this is a moot point…or at least it would be if her pseudo boyfriend Tobey didn’t force himself on her and set loose those teeth. Adding to the confusion is her step-brother Brad who has more than a little obsessive crush on her.

FUN TRIVIA

This movie is a partial remake of a Japanese horror film though that movie is more involved.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

This movie reminds me why I should always watch a movie at least once before buying it. At the time though I was seeing a guy who couldn’t shut up about it, so when I saw it on the shelf, I went ahead and grabbed it. Considering we broke up before we even watched the movie, I’d say lesson learned.

There’s not really any problem with the movie, I just didn’t enjoy it. I take that back, I did enjoy a few scenes such as her with beginning to enjoy sex up until she learned the truth about her new boyfriend and I liked the scene in the doctor’s office. Everything else though is just rather “eh”.

This was originally pitched and marketed as a comedy, then targeted towards the horror genre, but it’s more of the first. Unfortunately there weren’t many laughs to be found. I know Teeth has a lot of fans, but for more I’ll pass.