Horror Queen

THE PLOT

There’s a family reunion of some sorts taking place at a campground and the older brothers/cousins decide to take the younger ones into the woods and ditch them. Don’t lose me yet. This is part of an annual tradition where they then make the younger boys follow them around until they get to the home of a local redneck who just happens to be huge and have the IQ of a 6 year old. They also don’t realize that this lovable oaf just accidentally killed the woman he’s had a crush on for years, so he obviously isn’t in the best mood. Clemmie (the oaf) kills one of the older boys, daddy comes home and attempts to kill the other and then all five boys go running for the hills. In the ensuing melee they get completely lost (natch) and have to fight for their lives. Not an easy thing to do when the family of Clemmie go after them and not when they make Clemmie look like a three year old in terms of size.

TRIVIA

Supposedly based on a true story, though no one wants to come forward and say what that story is/was. Probably a group of kids got lost in the woods, tada! Based on true events.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

I admit it, sometimes I just watch a movie because it has a really cool box. When I saw the box for The Woods Have Eyes, it was calling my name. Usually this ends badly, but this time it wasn’t so bad.

There is absolutely nothing scary or horrific about this movie, but it does have a few funny parts. I laughed more here than I did the last Dane Cook movie. Don’t get me started on the fact that he was the first actor/comedian that came to mind.

The one irritating thing is watching all the characters run around in circles. One character points out to another that a compass only helps if you know where you’re going. Great, you know where north is but what the hell is north? Then again, if you see water, you’re supposed to follow it (naturalist tip), but our characters just keep crossing the same river over and over again.

You also have to give it up for the fat kid. Yes he’s made the brunt of the joke far too many times, but at least you feel sympathy for him…or you do if you’ve ever experienced that sort of thing in your life. Plus he manages to save the jackasses that need saving several times without bragging or acting like a hero. Not to mention the fact that nearly everyone in the movie wears Chuck Taylors and the Horror Queen loves her Chucks.

On a lot of levels The Woods Have Eyes probably doesn’t work and I’m sure a lot of people said it was a horrible little movie, but the Horror Queen cares not what the commoners think. It kept me entertained without feeling slow or draggy like so many other horror movies do.

This is the way the review should have gone, but unfortunately then I saw the ending. It’s a cop out and not a very good one at that. This is one of those cliché endings that we see far too often in horror movies. Considering I didn’t even think for a moment that the movie would end this way, I was very disappointed. A sucky ending and no hot guys? Well that just makes the Horror Queen sad…