Horror Queen

THE PLOT

Michael and Cheryl decide to spend their vacation hiking through the trails of West Virginia, despite the fact that they have no experience. The park ranger tells them where to go, but they run into a strange woman at the trail head. After talking to her for two seconds, they completely miss it when she shows obvious hatred for their unmarried status and take her advice to go onto another, unwatched trail. They run into a group of local boys who drool over the blond and give them shit. Then Cheryl disappears and Michael gets trapped in a bear trap. Luckily the same creepy woman shows up to offer her support and help him recover. Oops, turns out creepy lady and a park ranger are working together since apparently they couldn’t have children. They keep Cheryl tied up until they trap Michael, force them to get married and then try to make them breed…seriously.

TRIVIA

Though it’s set in West Virginia, Timber Falls was actually filmed in Romania. Heaven forbid a Hollywood studio make a movie in the US!

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

When exactly does the extreme bashing of West Virginia stop? Why is it suddenly fun to build a horror movie around inbred rednecks living in the hills of the state? There are many other states out there and many states where people actually live in the forest. Kentucky and Indiana, I’m looking in your direction.

Timber Falls is actually a pretty decent little movie, once I get past the WV connection. Beth Broderick who I loved on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” plays Ida, the creepy woman with great conviction. By the end, you honestly believe all she wants is to be a mother. Cheryl and Michael weren’t too badly miscast either, though Brown is a little too sexy for the character she plays.

There’s a scene where she lectures Michael on bringing a handgun into the woods and literally makes him toss out the bullets. I wanted to kick her in the shins for that. Not because of rednecks, but because of bears. I was hoping a giant bear would loop out of the woods at that point and eat her, just to prove a point.

There’s a fair amount of blood in Timber Falls, a little more than I was expecting. There’s also some pretty great almost soft core sex scenes towards the beginning that the Horror Queen definitely enjoyed. All in all, better than I expected.

THE PLOT

A group of highly, highly irritating rich, spoiled brats gather at the coming out party of another friend. One of them, Milan, makes the mistake of wandering off with Blaine and dies after drinking a spiked drink. Blaine’s sister Desiree tries to help him deal with the public as he’s blamed for the death. Exactly one year later the group of friends start dying off one by one: Ryan, Barbie, Peter, Charles and Torrance. The group tries to help each other out, but that doesn’t stop the group from continuing to die and it begins to look like one of them is behind it all.

TRIVIA

Scout Taylor-Compton plays Torrance in this movie and also turned up in the Rob Zombie Halloween remake.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

April Fool’s Day is one of my favorite bad horror movies of all time and when I heard about the remake, I protested. Had I known that this piece of crap, in name only, remake would come about, I probably wouldn’t have cared. This shares absolutely nothing with the original, no character names, plotlines, ending, nothing.

The ending to this one was actually fairly cruel. Yes she was a bitch, but she’s no worse than any of the other characters. They’re all bitches and assholes, so why is she any different? They all look at her like some piece of garbage, even though they’ve done worse things.

And yes Josh Henderson, I recognized you. You the evil prick of Fingerprints. It took me awhile, but eventually I remembered you clearly. Maybe you played the not quite a prick, but still looked like one, but it’s still you.

There’s also the fact that nothing in this movie makes sense. There’s not one thing that could have happened the way they said it did. Whether you liked the original one or not, skip the April Fool’s Day remake. There’s nothing redeeming in it.

THE PLOT

A documentary film crew comprised of graduate students Taylor, Doug and Todd follow serial killer Leslie Vernon around. As the movie continues they become part of Vernon’s twisted little world, to the point where they watch him kill one person and capture it on film. Slowly they realize the Leslie isn’t who he says he is and they find themselves face to face with Dr. Halloran (Robert Englund), his former psychiatrist. They also realize that Vernon has something a little more serious planned for them…

TRIVIA

The character of Halloran was modeled closely on Dr. Loomis from the Halloween movies.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

I kept reading good things about this movie so I really, really wanted to like it. There were parts of the movie that I enjoyed, but overall Leslie Vernon wasn’t that great. They could have done so much more with the plot setup: filmmakers documenting a serial killer just starting out. Not to mention the idea that serial killers look at their sprees as a job. It had so much potential…

The actors playing Leslie and Taylor were great as was Englund of course, but when it came to the victims, it was straight horror movie shlock. The movie itself started to drag around the middle when they revealed that Vernon wasn’t who he said it was. Then when it got towards the end and the whole grand plan was revealed, it didn’t really make sense. However it funny (in a hysterically funny way that is) watch Taylor step up and throw down. Yet the two characters had so much chemistry together that a better and more fitting end would have been for them to fall in love.

THE PLOT

Kimberly Caldwell heads into the hills for her role in an upcoming reality show, only she never makes it to the set. The rest of the stars on hand include Nina (Erica Leerhsen, Blair Witch 2), Jake, Jonesy, Amber and Elena (Crystal Lowe, Final Destination 3). Henry Rollins also appears as Dale Murphy, an ex-Special Forces op leading the group onward. The game is set up in a post-apocalyptic world where the players have to complete certain tasks with a partner to win the game. As the game progresses those good old hillbillies from the woods come out and start nabbing people one by one.

FUN TRIVIA

Original plans called for Eliza Dushku and Desmond Harrington to return for the sequel. The studio decided to release the feature straight onto the DVD market, which necessitated all new actors and characters.

If you look closely during the scenes where the characters are in the garage, you can see the blue Mustang that Chris (Desmond Harrington) drove in the first movie.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

THE PLOT

There’s a family reunion of some sorts taking place at a campground and the older brothers/cousins decide to take the younger ones into the woods and ditch them. Don’t lose me yet. This is part of an annual tradition where they then make the younger boys follow them around until they get to the home of a local redneck who just happens to be huge and have the IQ of a 6 year old. They also don’t realize that this lovable oaf just accidentally killed the woman he’s had a crush on for years, so he obviously isn’t in the best mood. Clemmie (the oaf) kills one of the older boys, daddy comes home and attempts to kill the other and then all five boys go running for the hills. In the ensuing melee they get completely lost (natch) and have to fight for their lives. Not an easy thing to do when the family of Clemmie go after them and not when they make Clemmie look like a three year old in terms of size.

TRIVIA

Supposedly based on a true story, though no one wants to come forward and say what that story is/was. Probably a group of kids got lost in the woods, tada! Based on true events.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

I admit it, sometimes I just watch a movie because it has a really cool box. When I saw the box for The Woods Have Eyes, it was calling my name. Usually this ends badly, but this time it wasn’t so bad.

There is absolutely nothing scary or horrific about this movie, but it does have a few funny parts. I laughed more here than I did the last Dane Cook movie. Don’t get me started on the fact that he was the first actor/comedian that came to mind.

The one irritating thing is watching all the characters run around in circles. One character points out to another that a compass only helps if you know where you’re going. Great, you know where north is but what the hell is north? Then again, if you see water, you’re supposed to follow it (naturalist tip), but our characters just keep crossing the same river over and over again.

You also have to give it up for the fat kid. Yes he’s made the brunt of the joke far too many times, but at least you feel sympathy for him…or you do if you’ve ever experienced that sort of thing in your life. Plus he manages to save the jackasses that need saving several times without bragging or acting like a hero. Not to mention the fact that nearly everyone in the movie wears Chuck Taylors and the Horror Queen loves her Chucks.

On a lot of levels The Woods Have Eyes probably doesn’t work and I’m sure a lot of people said it was a horrible little movie, but the Horror Queen cares not what the commoners think. It kept me entertained without feeling slow or draggy like so many other horror movies do.

This is the way the review should have gone, but unfortunately then I saw the ending. It’s a cop out and not a very good one at that. This is one of those cliché endings that we see far too often in horror movies. Considering I didn’t even think for a moment that the movie would end this way, I was very disappointed. A sucky ending and no hot guys? Well that just makes the Horror Queen sad…

THE PLOT

Billy Lenz killed his entire family one night in the old family homestead including his sister/daughter Agnes, the result of a creepy affair with his mother. Years later Billy’s locked up and his old house is now a sorority house. Melissa (Michelle Trachtenberg, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Kelli (Katie Cassidy), Heather (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Final Destination 3), Dana (Lacey Chabert) and Lauren (Crystal Lowe, Final Destination 3) are the girls left behind on Christmas Eve. Ms. Mac (Andrea Martin, Black Christmas) is left to watch over the girls while Katie’s boyfriend Kyle (Oliver Hudson) appears to tell the girls the true story of Billy. There’s also Leigh (Kristen Cloke, Final Destination) who shows up looking for her missing sister and once lived in the house. Slowly the girls start disappearing and come to the realization that Billy’s come home again.

FUN TRIVIA

There are three connections to the Final Destination franchise here. Kristen Cloke starred in the original while Crystal Lowe and Mary Elizabeth Winstead both appeared in Final Destination 3.

Andrea Martin had a starring role in the original Black Christmas and was reportedly surprised when she was offered a role in the remake.

There were scenes showed in the red-band trailer that never appeared in the movie, nor were they ever intended to appear in the movie.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

THE PLOT

Victor is a real son of a bitch and we know this because when the movies opens, he’s taking a young girl back to his house for a little fun. The skinny twit joins him in his games, though maybe the large patches of cellulite on her thighs are clogging her brain. She lets him tie her up in a rack, but she starts screaming when he actually twists the thing up. His wife Elizabeth appears, notices the girl, rolls her eyes and leaves. Later we learn that he’s allowed to bring anyone home he wants, though she isn’t. That’s why she keeps Roman on the side. Roman just also happens to be her husband’s best friend and lawyer. When Victor announces that he wants no autopsy or embalming done, the ill fated lovers spring into action. Roman gets some puffer fish poison (seriously) from his meth dealer and puts it in Victor’s food. Victor “dies” and all hell goes loose.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

I knew going into this movie that it would suck, but by god if Wal-Mart didn’t suck me in with a $4 movie. The acting here isn’t bad, but Kristy Swanson is barely going through the motions, playing a bored bitch just like she has in every role since 1994. If you’re a guy though, you’ll probably like that she prominently puts her cleavage out on display at every chance. Even one of the characters stops to tell her she has a nice rack.

Halfway through the movie it veers into some weird subplot with a med school student working in the morgue with his friends. They realize Victor isn’t dead and much hilariousness ensues, or at least that was the hope.

For a horror movie, especially one labeled “unrated”, Living Death has very little scares, blood or gore. I kept waiting for someone to die or something scary to happen and it never did. Living Death was really just your typical run of the mill horror movie, but based on the box, I was expecting a little more.

His taste in music sucks.

Anybody got a cigarette? What, I can’t smoke in here? Are you fucking kidding me?

I like horror movies. Big fucking shock, I know.

Everyone has something they’re good at…I was good at strangling.

Really those scenes make it worth the $10. You also get some behind the scenes info like how Catherine Hicks met her husband on the set of the movie. She was playing the mom (you should know that) and he was the lead puppeteer. It’s kind of cute to see the two of them reminiscing about how they met. Plus they have a short Q&A with Hicks and Chris Sarandon discussing the movie at a convention in the 2000s. Not to mention the kid who played Andy pops up as a fully grownup and good looking individual.

Then there’s trailers, photo galleries and a ton of random crap tossed onto one little disc. If you’ve been hesitating at picking this one up, go for it.

Also you can get a free download of a commentary done by director Tom Holland here:

http://www.iconsoffright.com/news/2008/09/icons_exclusive_tom_holland_di.html

THE PLOT

Jason finally dies at the beginning of the movie and his body is sent to a local morgue. The mortician on staff removes his heart, but finds himself possessed by the spirit of Jason. Our favorite serial killer then returns to his old hometown to look for his long lost sister while a bounty hunter follows closely on his trail. There’s also a niece who recently had a baby, her ex-boyfriend and her new boyfriend who just happens to work on a celebrity reality TV show.

FUN TRIVIA

Betsy Palmer was offered a role in this film, but smartly declined. The scenes meant for her were then dropped from the movie.

THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

I wish I hadn’t seen this movie as many times as I have, but it’s too late for that. This movie is absolutely horrible, with a very confusing plot. Jason has a niece with a newborn baby yet the father of the child hasn’t seen her in years and she has a new boyfriend. How pregnant was she when they started hooking up? Then there’s the whole idea that Jason even has a sister and family members that were never mentioned before. What exactly was his sister doing while his mom was on her killing spree?

There are a few nice touches to this movie such as his possessed victims only taking on his appearance when they pass in front of a mirror, but there are more things that annoy me. Take for instance the hot looking waitress who hooks up with the ugly little man towards the beginning. That’s pretty unrealistic even for a horror movie.

Like I said, I can’t believe I’ve sat through this movie multiple times…

Tonight I made the mistake of heading to my local Wal-Mart. Towards the beginning of September the mega store suddenly realizes it’s almost Halloween and sticks a bunch of horror movies out for sale. Usually the movies are tremendously bad, but that doesn’t stop me from jumping up and down with glee…or at least calmly adding 2-3 to my basket.

Tonight’s trip to Wal-Mart was meant for one sole purpose: to locate a copy of “Friday the 13^th the Series” Season 1 DVD set. Unfortunately my area apparently hates this television show, that’s the only explanation I can find for why no store in the area has this set. One worker was so confused by my question that he tracked down another worker. Luckily I found my horror movie soul mate right in the aisle at Wal-Mart. Well, at least another fan and someone who actually knows who Jim Van Bebber is and owns one of his movies. It was also an excuse for the Horror Queen to pimp out a friend who makes horror movies.

Wal-Mart has devoted one end cap of their store to horror movies that would otherwise never be found in one of their stores. Better yet, most of those movies were cheap. Will they be any good? Probably not. Cutting Edge Films had two movie sets where you get 2 horror movies for $8. I look forward to poking fun at Kristy Swanson, Lukas Haas and Michael Masden in the near future as well as David Carradine. I also picked up the special edition of Return of the Living Dead, a twofer with Shocker and People Under the Stairs and I managed to leave without grabbing that set of Psycho movies. Very soon you’ll be getting reviews on all of these movies.

Though I despise Wal-Mart, they are helpful in feeding my addiction to bad horror movies. If you haven’t been there yet, make the trip. After Halloween these movies will go back in some forgotten bin where they’ll sit until next year…